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Balance Please

Life can be so fast paced. We are trained to move at the speed of light, and if you have the ability to move quicker than that you are urged to do so. We eat on the go. We send text messages rather than making phone calls. We cram 590,983,000 things into a day, and we say it’s being productive. By no means am I passing judgment; I used to live my life this way ( Truth moment: the reformation continues; I' m trying to learn to do less). I called it “maximizing my day. In truth, I should have been calling it “killing myself slowly.”  

Let me give you the back story. The first week of May was busier than normal. For anyone who knows me knows that I am a busy person. (If I gave you a complete list of the things that did on a day-to-day basis it would take up most of blog.  If you care to know what my daily tasks were, send me an email.) In addition to the things that I did on the norm, I volunteered to house-sit two dogs and a teenage girl. (Side note: I have so much respect for people who have children. Parents lead a busy life with a lot of responsibility.) For one week, I cleaned up  dog poop, attended a track meet, helped with homework, cooked meals (which really consisted of microwaving precooked meals lol) and worked a my full-time job.  Saturday, May 5, 2012, was supposed to be a fun day. I had to do an educational workshop in the morning, and then the fun began. I was traveling to Pittsburgh that night to see a gospel play with a few of my mentees. We all enjoyed the play, ate a fantastic dinner at T.G.I. Fridays and still managed to get home to Johnstown at a decent hour. 

 I woke up Sunday morning to do my ordinary Sunday tasks, and by mid-service, I was completely pooped.  I have felt that way before. The usual remedy is to go directly to bed. Typically, in the morning I am back to my normal perky self.  As I stood up to give the church’s weekly announcements, I felt completely overwhelmed with fatigue. My hands begin to shake. I said to myself I have to go lay down when I go home; my body had other plans. After the announcements the church proceeded to take communion. I remember opting to sit for the ceremony because I was tired, but I found soon myself slumped over on my Pastor’s shoulder trying to respond to the questions that she was asking me.  She kept asking me “Mel, are you ok?” I wanted to give her a better answer, but all I could say was that I was really tired. My hands were trembling, and when I went to stand up, I couldn’t. I had tremors in my legs and hands. The men of the church escorted me to the lobby of the church where I was fed any and every kind of food that was in that church—subs, gobs, bananas, orange juice and I am sure that there was more food.  But it didn’t help. I was taken to the hospital, and I spent 3 days in there. I can honestly say that I am a lot better. My tremor are significantly less. I was ordered by my medical doctor to take a pause in life and just rest. To a goer (that is a person that is on the go all the time. I made that up myself.) That was the worst news in the world. 

It is a shame that I have to go through this experience for me to learn how to STOP!  Being busy is not being productive. This experience forced me to evaluate my entire life and to seek for balance in all areas. I know that there are many more people out there who have the same story as me. We do 50 million things. Although they could be good things, often times, we don't allow ourselves to find balance. Please listen your body when it tells you to go sit down. Please take the time to enjoy the things that bring you happiness. It is true, you are like a vapor--here today and gone tomorrow (James 4). Take the time to find balance so you can live a happy, healthy life. 

My Apologies

I want to start this off with an apology. I am sorry. I am sorry that I made myself out to be someone that I wasn't. Sorry that I lied. I fled from the light when the only thing you wanted me to be was honest. If I was scared, say it. If I was insecure, say it. But I hid the truth and all along you were standing there with outstretched hands waiting to shield me from whatever.

I wish I had the courage of 10,000 lions, and then I wouldn't be afraid to say that I need you. I wouldn’t feel guilty to tell you that my knees are nimble and my back is too weak to hold me up. And if I would have opened my mouth to express myself, you would have assured me a long time ago that you are holding me up with the strength of one million Samsons. In your hands you cradle my existence. Your thoughts toward me are endless like sand. My face is etched in your hands. 

I am a little embarrassed to say that it feels like I am just starting to know you. I presumed all those years ago that I knew you, but the truth is I just knew of you, and I guess I kind of confused the two.  But I am happy to be introduced to you, the real you. For the first time I don’t see you as a rule maker, when it is all about doing the right things, at the right time. Then I thought I could never make a mistake, never have a misunderstanding. But now I understand you as a real friend, a being that gives me clearances when I make mistakes and gives me the hard truth when I need it. I understand you to be a friend who will teach me the right steps to become a better me. One who encourages me to look beyond my faults and pushes to see the great inside of me. Because in essence, this is what you see. You see me as my end, and yet you are fully aware of my present. And is a relief that you don’t hold my short comings against me.  But it is promised you’ll complete the work started  in me until the day that Jesus returns.

So my apologies turn into cries of adoration of how you didn’t leave me where I was. My apologies are declarations of my gratitude toward you. Thank you for being my savior, king and redeemer!  My apologies are now heartfelt worship.  You’re great and sovereign. There is on one like you; there is no one before or after you.  My sorrys have turned into thoughts of not just needing you, but wanting you. As the moon needs the sky and rivers need the water, I need you just like that.  I need you just like that.  

So I stand here resolved no longer saying I am sorry but I thank you. Thank you for allowing me to go through the transitions of life. Thank you for allowing yourself to be revealed to me in a greater way. All and all, thank you for loving me this way.  Without you my existence is non-existent, and your presence is what gives me presence. Thank you for allowing me to see my wrong; thank you for allowing me to walk into what is right. And what is right is you.  The scripture says that the name of the lord is a strong tower the righteous run in and they are safe, so I sprint to you. I am not longer ashamed to say that I weak because now I know that your strength is made perfect in my weakness. So please be my mighty God, Be my great protector. Be my awesome love. 

So I stand here resolved, not longer saying I am sorry but thank you. Thank you for allowing me to go through the transitions of life. Thank you for allowing yourself to be revealed to me in a greater way. All and all thank you for loving me this way.

The Greatest Love Story Never Told

Before I post this poem, writing, or whatever else you want to call it, I want to write and say to myself how extremely proud I am of me. No one will completely understand the courage it is taking me to place this material on the screen. It is one step closer to being more honest and open with my writing. I am hoping that I will continue to grow to the point where I can verbally share, but until that time comes,  I am proud of myself for taking this step. Comments are welcome if they are not mean and nasty... lol (No, I really mean it.)
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The Greatest Love Story Never Told

I am in love with you. This is my truth. When I see you my heart skips a beat. Cardio arrested. Trap me. Confine me. I am a willing prisoner. When I look at you that’s when I really find me. You are my saving grace and the refuge for my soul. In you I see my dreams, my visions for tomorrow.  The sight of you calms my fears and eases my doubts.

Our first meeting was electric. Overcome by your energy. I was revived. Men of your caliber seem to be non-existent. Just in those few moments in your presence I was hooked. As an addict searches for their next high, like an alcoholic will never lose his bottle, I grasp for you.  My reach goes beyond the distant stars. You are the space in which my world hangs. Floating, drifting, suspending. Prodigious excursions will never find a man quite like you.  As the Greek gods are thrown up into the sky to immortalize their being, you are forever ingrained in me because you are my first love you see. I wrap you in and hide you in my bosom. My heart became your secret chamber. My mind is your wonderland. I’ll become like Alice, lost, at the thought of loosing you.

I never had a guy give such sensation just from our conversation, or make my spine curl when he told me things he stood for. Your standard is amazing, unlike any man I have ever know.  You caused me to raise my flag. I surrender to you.  

Yes, I said it. I love you! I love you! I love you. But the saddest thing is that I am saying these words to myself. My heart is yelling these 3 words, but fear muzzles my mouth. Fear tells me 3 words, “Don’t ever tell.”  Fear says, “How do you know that he wants you?” He hasn’t even made a pass at you.  So, I contain these truths as my lips spill lies like we’re just friends, or we’re buddies. Or he’s my like my male bff. I am afraid. If I tell you, would you feel the same way? What happens if the way I feel about you is not returned, and honestly this is my main concern. What will I do then?

So to you, my love will always be a mystery. My lips will never part my secrets. And though my eyes dance and heart bursts when I see you. I will smother its flames. I will silence my cry because I vowed to you that I would always be your friend. A friend is what you needed and that is what I became. But my heart and soul will always think otherwise. And to me, you and me will always be the greatest love story never told. 

Dark Girl

I just watched a preview of a documentary called “Dark Girls.” It was sad, moving, uplifting, and crushing all at the same time. I, as you can see by my pictures, am a dark-skin black girl. My mother has lighter skin with medium brown eyes; my maternal grandfather was a lighter man. My brother and sister are medium skin. As a family, I felt like the odd man out. As a child the reality of being dark-skin and the circling question of why I didn’t have lighter skin were very overwhelming. In the clip they talk about the racism that dark girls deal with within our own race. Within your race group, one would think that one would feel support, freedom to be oneself, and acceptance. But it was from my own race that I received the most criticism. I wasn’t worthy. A compliment was as paired with “for a dark-skin girl.” Growing up I didn’t hear too often that I was beautiful or gorgeous. They would tell my sister, who has lighter skin, that she was beautiful. Because this sort of affirmation was pretty much non-existent, my mind was trained to believe that light was beautiful and dark is pretty but….

During my teen years my self esteem and self value were pretty low. I didn’t see myself as a pretty girl. My maternal grandfather would say things like “Mel has the body, but Helena (my sister) has the face.” I knew he meant well, but those words were still hurtful. They still made me feel ashamed that I was who I was, and there was nothing that I couldn’t do about it. It was more acceptable to be a black curvy woman, than it was to be a “black” woman. I did go to some extremes. I had bad acne when I was a teen. Once my skin cleared up I had many acne scars on my face. I purchased fade cream to take the blemishes away, but I would also put a little extra on in hopes that the cream would lighten my skin. I wanted to feel accepted. I wanted to feel beautiful. Needles to say, the cream didn’t take away my dark skin. It barely took away my blemishes. When I was in 8^th grade I joined Works of Deliverance Fellowship International Ministries. And I am grateful to God that I did. Every so often my pastor would walk up to me and say “Mel, you have beautiful skin, and I love your color.” I didn’t know how to receive the compliments. It was weird. Sometimes I would wonder if she was talking to me. I would look around the room to make sure that it was me that she was addressing. For 3 years she gently encouraged me. During that time I had to encourage myself, and tell myself that I am beautiful. I am gorgeous. I used to pick and choose what was pretty about me. My teeth were pretty; my eyes are pretty. I like my hair. But I couldn’t say or see that I, the entire me, was pretty.

Coming to accept who I am took a long time. This blog is sort of like a plea to parents, leaders, and people who have opportunities to speak into young people’s lives. Don’t teach them to compare themselves to others. Teach them that who they are is beyond good enough. It’s extraordinary.

You are out of pocket!

I was looking over Rapzilla’s Web site and I came across and interview with Malice. (I have no clue who he is) I stopped to listen because he is an author of a new book. His book title was interesting so I decided to listen to the interview. I found out that he use to be a part of the music group N.E.R.D or had some affiliation with them. The interview was getting good, so I decided to read some up his book. (Often times amazon.com provides preview pages of books) so I started to read and these lines stuck out me:

“Thanks for being exactly who you said you are, the Good Shepherd who lays down his life for his sheep, who leaves the ninety-nine retrieve the one. I know this because I was banging on the devil’s door begging to get in, You would not allow it. Glory be to God. “

Those two sentences really made me think how we operate sometime. Sometimes we fight so hard to be something that we are not. I mean we try really hard. We see this all the time. Dudes trying to be a boss and play the tough guy when it is truly in their nature to be kind. Or for the ladies, we try so hard to be super sexy when it is our nature to be soft, settle and modest. In his interview he was saying that he tried so hard to go against what was naturally him in order to better fit in.

All in all, be you! When you are trying to do things out side of your natural character, you are out of pocket!

Going to new places in life is not easy, but it is a must!

There are many things in my life that I am not comfortable with, and I am becoming ok with the thought that I am not always going to be comfy. Situations, circumstances, and whatever else may turn your life roundabout will always be. But one thing I am learning to do is to be content in the place that I am at. Though it may be a place of transition, I am satisfied in it because I know that it not my end.

I do a lot of reflective thinking (sometimes that can be a good thing and sometimes it is bad lol); and when I was in my thoughts, I got a great revelation about transitions and growth. We can all agree that growth can be bit painful. When babies are growing new teeth they are in a lot of discomfort. And for most parents, it is hard to see you baby in pain. But parents know that the pain is part of the process that the baby must go through in order to experience bigger, better, and tastier things….like steak lol. The first thing that I learned about transition is God knows the struggle. The biggest lie that we tell ourselves when we are going through is “no one understands.” This is so far from the truth. God understands and knows. The scripture lets us know that Jesus understand our pain. One because he is all-knowing, and two, he has dealt with the pain of transition himself. In the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus prayed with such anguish. He was at a point of transition in his life. In a few short moments he was about to take on the sins of the world. (Talk about transition—being blameless and without fault going to taking on all the past, present, and future sins of everyone in the world.) He was about to be separate from his Father for the first time. He even prays for another route of redemption; but Jesus quickly becomes content with the task set before him and simply says “not my will, but thou will be done.” Ultimately, Jesus also knew by being obedient the world would be saved and he would be with this Father again sitting on his right side. He saw the greater end. Which brings me to my second point, there is more to come.

I come to realize that a transition is just that a transition. There is another side always, but it is up to you to make it to that new place. I made the decision not to wallow and dwell on my discomfort. I had to look beyond myself and realize that there is better, greater for me. Once I got that understanding, I earnestly press for that new place. When this epiphany hit me, I envisioned a flower. If anyone has ever grown a flower, you know it needs soil, water, and sun to grow. The seed knows that it has a greater end, to become a flower. It does whatever it can to achieve this goal. When a flower needs a whole lot of sun, and is only receiving a little bit, the plant stretches, leans, and does whatever it has to do to get more sun. The plant innately does that because it knows that it has to grow into a flower. (I really think that is awesome.) So taking a life lesson from the flower, it is important to for us to stretch ourselves in our beliefs in order to grasp our end.

Do whatever you have to do to grow, to excel. Go through your transition with confidence and grace. Guess what!? You are growing..