Dark Girl

I just watched a preview of a documentary called “Dark Girls.” It was sad, moving, uplifting, and crushing all at the same time. I, as you can see by my pictures, am a dark-skin black girl. My mother has lighter skin with medium brown eyes; my maternal grandfather was a lighter man. My brother and sister are medium skin. As a family, I felt like the odd man out. As a child the reality of being dark-skin and the circling question of why I didn’t have lighter skin were very overwhelming. In the clip they talk about the racism that dark girls deal with within our own race. Within your race group, one would think that one would feel support, freedom to be oneself, and acceptance. But it was from my own race that I received the most criticism. I wasn’t worthy. A compliment was as paired with “for a dark-skin girl.” Growing up I didn’t hear too often that I was beautiful or gorgeous. They would tell my sister, who has lighter skin, that she was beautiful. Because this sort of affirmation was pretty much non-existent, my mind was trained to believe that light was beautiful and dark is pretty but….

During my teen years my self esteem and self value were pretty low. I didn’t see myself as a pretty girl. My maternal grandfather would say things like “Mel has the body, but Helena (my sister) has the face.” I knew he meant well, but those words were still hurtful. They still made me feel ashamed that I was who I was, and there was nothing that I couldn’t do about it. It was more acceptable to be a black curvy woman, than it was to be a “black” woman. I did go to some extremes. I had bad acne when I was a teen. Once my skin cleared up I had many acne scars on my face. I purchased fade cream to take the blemishes away, but I would also put a little extra on in hopes that the cream would lighten my skin. I wanted to feel accepted. I wanted to feel beautiful. Needles to say, the cream didn’t take away my dark skin. It barely took away my blemishes. When I was in 8^th grade I joined Works of Deliverance Fellowship International Ministries. And I am grateful to God that I did. Every so often my pastor would walk up to me and say “Mel, you have beautiful skin, and I love your color.” I didn’t know how to receive the compliments. It was weird. Sometimes I would wonder if she was talking to me. I would look around the room to make sure that it was me that she was addressing. For 3 years she gently encouraged me. During that time I had to encourage myself, and tell myself that I am beautiful. I am gorgeous. I used to pick and choose what was pretty about me. My teeth were pretty; my eyes are pretty. I like my hair. But I couldn’t say or see that I, the entire me, was pretty.

Coming to accept who I am took a long time. This blog is sort of like a plea to parents, leaders, and people who have opportunities to speak into young people’s lives. Don’t teach them to compare themselves to others. Teach them that who they are is beyond good enough. It’s extraordinary.

You are out of pocket!

I was looking over Rapzilla’s Web site and I came across and interview with Malice. (I have no clue who he is) I stopped to listen because he is an author of a new book. His book title was interesting so I decided to listen to the interview. I found out that he use to be a part of the music group N.E.R.D or had some affiliation with them. The interview was getting good, so I decided to read some up his book. (Often times amazon.com provides preview pages of books) so I started to read and these lines stuck out me:

“Thanks for being exactly who you said you are, the Good Shepherd who lays down his life for his sheep, who leaves the ninety-nine retrieve the one. I know this because I was banging on the devil’s door begging to get in, You would not allow it. Glory be to God. “

Those two sentences really made me think how we operate sometime. Sometimes we fight so hard to be something that we are not. I mean we try really hard. We see this all the time. Dudes trying to be a boss and play the tough guy when it is truly in their nature to be kind. Or for the ladies, we try so hard to be super sexy when it is our nature to be soft, settle and modest. In his interview he was saying that he tried so hard to go against what was naturally him in order to better fit in.

All in all, be you! When you are trying to do things out side of your natural character, you are out of pocket!

Going to new places in life is not easy, but it is a must!

There are many things in my life that I am not comfortable with, and I am becoming ok with the thought that I am not always going to be comfy. Situations, circumstances, and whatever else may turn your life roundabout will always be. But one thing I am learning to do is to be content in the place that I am at. Though it may be a place of transition, I am satisfied in it because I know that it not my end.

I do a lot of reflective thinking (sometimes that can be a good thing and sometimes it is bad lol); and when I was in my thoughts, I got a great revelation about transitions and growth. We can all agree that growth can be bit painful. When babies are growing new teeth they are in a lot of discomfort. And for most parents, it is hard to see you baby in pain. But parents know that the pain is part of the process that the baby must go through in order to experience bigger, better, and tastier things….like steak lol. The first thing that I learned about transition is God knows the struggle. The biggest lie that we tell ourselves when we are going through is “no one understands.” This is so far from the truth. God understands and knows. The scripture lets us know that Jesus understand our pain. One because he is all-knowing, and two, he has dealt with the pain of transition himself. In the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus prayed with such anguish. He was at a point of transition in his life. In a few short moments he was about to take on the sins of the world. (Talk about transition—being blameless and without fault going to taking on all the past, present, and future sins of everyone in the world.) He was about to be separate from his Father for the first time. He even prays for another route of redemption; but Jesus quickly becomes content with the task set before him and simply says “not my will, but thou will be done.” Ultimately, Jesus also knew by being obedient the world would be saved and he would be with this Father again sitting on his right side. He saw the greater end. Which brings me to my second point, there is more to come.

I come to realize that a transition is just that a transition. There is another side always, but it is up to you to make it to that new place. I made the decision not to wallow and dwell on my discomfort. I had to look beyond myself and realize that there is better, greater for me. Once I got that understanding, I earnestly press for that new place. When this epiphany hit me, I envisioned a flower. If anyone has ever grown a flower, you know it needs soil, water, and sun to grow. The seed knows that it has a greater end, to become a flower. It does whatever it can to achieve this goal. When a flower needs a whole lot of sun, and is only receiving a little bit, the plant stretches, leans, and does whatever it has to do to get more sun. The plant innately does that because it knows that it has to grow into a flower. (I really think that is awesome.) So taking a life lesson from the flower, it is important to for us to stretch ourselves in our beliefs in order to grasp our end.

Do whatever you have to do to grow, to excel. Go through your transition with confidence and grace. Guess what!? You are growing..

I know we are into the New year, but here are a few pointers to make the year worthwihile!

Although we are a couple of weeks into the New Year (to be exact, we are a whole month in), The New Year symbolizes a fresh start, a change of course. It gives an opportunity to make good on all the bad we did last year. So what do we do; we start the year off by making a vow to ourselves and to others about things that we can improve on. We goal set. Ultimately, this is known as a New Year's resolution. The sad thing is the vows that we make to ourselves and to others are broken with the first couple of weeks. How do we achieve our goals? I have come up with four pointers that you should keep in mind when making this new change in your life.

Point One: Set Small Goals
I like to call this goal conditioning. Just as athletes have to train their bodies to run a marathon, we have to do the same thing if we are going to reach our goals. A lot of times we set these high goals and sadly we are unable to achieve them. The feeling of failure and disappointment can be very discouraging. To avid that feeling of immense failure. set smaller goals and achieve them. Her is an example (I guess that I will stick with the athlete theme.). My goal is to run a five-mile race, but I know that I haven't exercised in five years. So, I set a goal to walk for 30 minutes a day for a month. Once I have accomplished that goal. I get confidence and I feel really good about myself. I can then set a the goal of running for one mile for a month. I have the achievement of my prior goal to encourage me along the way because no one said that achieving goals were easy. As I achieve my smaller goals, my big goal of running a five-mile race does not seem that unattainable. You maybe thinking that this is going to take a long time, and you might be right. But what you are doing is building a foundation of confidence and victory. When you are confident you are more likely to succeed.

Pointer Two: Be real!
I think that pointer is self explanatory. Nothing is worse than lying to yourself. You know what you will do and what you will not do. Honesty is the best policy. Henry Ford said it best, "Whether you think you can or you think you can't, your right."

Pointer Three: Create a Support System
It is a little more encouraging to know that you have people encouraging you and wishing you well. Sometimes encouraging yourself is not an option, and you need a that cheerleader behind you to keep you in motion. When you have people that are telling you "Good Job" it re-enforces the sense of achievement. When you get a support team, you want to make sure that these people are going to be honest with you. If they have to correct you, and tell you to step it up , now that it is still encouragement. The hard reality is to help you stay focused on your goal.

It may also help if you get around the same people who are trying to accomplish the same goal. To hear what other people are saying about their journey might give you strength to achieve yours, and in the process you might help someone reach higher and strive harder.

Pointer Four: You Don't Have to Wait for the New Year Start Over
Making a lifestyle change is not designated for the New Year. The awesome thingis that we have the opportunity to change at any point of our lives. So if you have a desire to get up and something, GET UP and DO IT!

Being The Person That I Want To Be!

Don’t let fear dictate to the person that you want to be. This is the hardest lesson that I had to learn, and if I be honest, I am still leaning it. I am a firm believer that God has uniquely designed all of us and has assigned a special purpose to our lives. We search for a lot of things—that special man or woman that completes us, the perfect job that displays our extraordinary skills and talents, a cozy house with a picket fence—but out numbering all those things is meaning. We want meaning to be attached to our lives. We want to matter in some way. For most of us, we have an idea of what type of person we want to be. Sometimes that idea or vision is clear, and for others, the ideal person is there and we can kind of see ‘em, but they are not clearly defined.

There are qualities that I notice about myself. I am driven, passionate, and a hard worker. I am a big dreamer. And it just feels like this great woman filled with vigor, passion, and whatever explosive adjective you can put there is crying to get out. Although I know this significant person is deep down inside of me screaming to be let out for the world to see, I often stifle her with my fear.

Fear often robs us of the possibilities. When fear is an active part of our life, the things that we want to try we will never do. A few weeks before the New Year, I decided to not allow fear to control my life. Now, that doesn’t mean go buck wild and throw caution to the wind. It just simply means to be willing to take a risk. In that risk you may find the greatest joy of your life. Ultimately, we stop ourselves from becoming the person that we want to be, and that was the hardest fact that I had to come to grips with. So starting now (well for me it was a couple of weeks agoJ) we are not going to hold back. We are going to give ourselves fully to our dreams! You never know what may come out of it!

I am attaching a challenge to this one. If you commit to not allowing fear to dictate you, please comment on how your journey is going! I would to hear your triumph and success!

No Strings Attached

The Word says that darkness and light are the same to you. Although I know this as truth, I still find myself trying to hide from you.

To be truthful, I am a wretch undone. Not worthy of your grace, yet you beckon me to come and ask me to take on the image of your Son.

This is crazy son; that the one who has no fault, no sin, no wrong can want and desire someone like me.

He wants to set me free from the lies of the enemy. I say that I am worthless; he says that I have purpose. I say that I am unlovable; he says I love you the most.

My face etched in his hand and his thoughts toward me are countless like the sand. His is love incomprehensible, yet so attainable.

So I resolve to the fact that he wants and loves me. My only responsibility is to love him back. No strings attached.

(Ps. 139)

Wow Factors...hmmmm

I did it! I survived my first major surgery. I got two teeth pulled. For many, this may not seem like a big deal, but to those of you who know me well, know that I think that my teeth and my legs are my greatest assets. They are what I like most about my body. My legs and teeth are what I like to call my “wow factors.” Ladies, we all have “wow factors.” They may be our breast, abs, buttocks, or whatever you deem wow-worthy; and if anything were to happen to these parts or features, we would trip.

For a little over a year, I was having major pain in my mouth. The pain was so unbearable that I decided to go to the dentist to have them checked out. They told me that I had major bone loss in my mouth. I could have passed out. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I am not 75 guys, I am 25 years old (at the time of my appointment I was 24 years old); so the thought of loosing my bone at this age was absurd. The doctor continued to say that the only remedy was to pull my teeth out. And quite frankly, I wasn’t having that. I left the doctor’s office a year ago with my own game plan. I was going to up my calcium intake and cut back on sweets. My get-fixed-quick remedy didn’t work. The pain became worse for me. In the beginning, there was just pain in the lower part in my mouth, but in recent weeks the pain escalated and was giving me major headaches. On October 19, 2010, was the day of my redemption. I scheduled another dentist appointment. I got a x-ray; and sure enough, the bone loss in my mouth was worse. I settled within myself, I had to get my teeth pulled. But my new dentist office was not playing with me. They were gong to get them teeth out of me that very day if they had to. They made me schedule an appointment for the next day. lol

I would be lying if I told you that I wasn’t sad. I don’t like pain, for one, and secondly, it was a part of my wow factors. When I went into work that next day, I told a co-worker what happened. I said, “I am single. My smile and legs are all I have.” We all giggled, and I walked back to my office. As I sat down to do my work, I had a moment to ponder my response. Is my smile and my legs all I have? Do these two factors really make up a WHOLE me? And the answer to those two questions are no. They are a part of me, but they don’t make ME up as a whole.

It made me think about women and how we put so much emphasis on a couple of features. My total beauty is not based on one feature, or on two in my case. It is totally great to love parts of you. But our wow factors should be things more concrete like our person, the core you. Is your attitude great? Do you have a good heart? These are the things that matter. I have seen this over and over. You can be a pretty girl and have a horrible attitude. That combination will eventually cause you to loose cool points among men and women. The saying is true, physically beauty fades, and what is on the inside is only thing that is going to really matter. So ladies let’s find our real “wow factors.” Those factors are usually found deep within our core. Then, let's count our number 10 bodies, our smiles, or our luscious hair as a bonus.