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Balance Please

Life can be so fast paced. We are trained to move at the speed of light, and if you have the ability to move quicker than that you are urged to do so. We eat on the go. We send text messages rather than making phone calls. We cram 590,983,000 things into a day, and we say it’s being productive. By no means am I passing judgment; I used to live my life this way ( Truth moment: the reformation continues; I' m trying to learn to do less). I called it “maximizing my day. In truth, I should have been calling it “killing myself slowly.”  

Let me give you the back story. The first week of May was busier than normal. For anyone who knows me knows that I am a busy person. (If I gave you a complete list of the things that did on a day-to-day basis it would take up most of blog.  If you care to know what my daily tasks were, send me an email.) In addition to the things that I did on the norm, I volunteered to house-sit two dogs and a teenage girl. (Side note: I have so much respect for people who have children. Parents lead a busy life with a lot of responsibility.) For one week, I cleaned up  dog poop, attended a track meet, helped with homework, cooked meals (which really consisted of microwaving precooked meals lol) and worked a my full-time job.  Saturday, May 5, 2012, was supposed to be a fun day. I had to do an educational workshop in the morning, and then the fun began. I was traveling to Pittsburgh that night to see a gospel play with a few of my mentees. We all enjoyed the play, ate a fantastic dinner at T.G.I. Fridays and still managed to get home to Johnstown at a decent hour. 

 I woke up Sunday morning to do my ordinary Sunday tasks, and by mid-service, I was completely pooped.  I have felt that way before. The usual remedy is to go directly to bed. Typically, in the morning I am back to my normal perky self.  As I stood up to give the church’s weekly announcements, I felt completely overwhelmed with fatigue. My hands begin to shake. I said to myself I have to go lay down when I go home; my body had other plans. After the announcements the church proceeded to take communion. I remember opting to sit for the ceremony because I was tired, but I found soon myself slumped over on my Pastor’s shoulder trying to respond to the questions that she was asking me.  She kept asking me “Mel, are you ok?” I wanted to give her a better answer, but all I could say was that I was really tired. My hands were trembling, and when I went to stand up, I couldn’t. I had tremors in my legs and hands. The men of the church escorted me to the lobby of the church where I was fed any and every kind of food that was in that church—subs, gobs, bananas, orange juice and I am sure that there was more food.  But it didn’t help. I was taken to the hospital, and I spent 3 days in there. I can honestly say that I am a lot better. My tremor are significantly less. I was ordered by my medical doctor to take a pause in life and just rest. To a goer (that is a person that is on the go all the time. I made that up myself.) That was the worst news in the world. 

It is a shame that I have to go through this experience for me to learn how to STOP!  Being busy is not being productive. This experience forced me to evaluate my entire life and to seek for balance in all areas. I know that there are many more people out there who have the same story as me. We do 50 million things. Although they could be good things, often times, we don't allow ourselves to find balance. Please listen your body when it tells you to go sit down. Please take the time to enjoy the things that bring you happiness. It is true, you are like a vapor--here today and gone tomorrow (James 4). Take the time to find balance so you can live a happy, healthy life. 

My Apologies

I want to start this off with an apology. I am sorry. I am sorry that I made myself out to be someone that I wasn't. Sorry that I lied. I fled from the light when the only thing you wanted me to be was honest. If I was scared, say it. If I was insecure, say it. But I hid the truth and all along you were standing there with outstretched hands waiting to shield me from whatever.

I wish I had the courage of 10,000 lions, and then I wouldn't be afraid to say that I need you. I wouldn’t feel guilty to tell you that my knees are nimble and my back is too weak to hold me up. And if I would have opened my mouth to express myself, you would have assured me a long time ago that you are holding me up with the strength of one million Samsons. In your hands you cradle my existence. Your thoughts toward me are endless like sand. My face is etched in your hands. 

I am a little embarrassed to say that it feels like I am just starting to know you. I presumed all those years ago that I knew you, but the truth is I just knew of you, and I guess I kind of confused the two.  But I am happy to be introduced to you, the real you. For the first time I don’t see you as a rule maker, when it is all about doing the right things, at the right time. Then I thought I could never make a mistake, never have a misunderstanding. But now I understand you as a real friend, a being that gives me clearances when I make mistakes and gives me the hard truth when I need it. I understand you to be a friend who will teach me the right steps to become a better me. One who encourages me to look beyond my faults and pushes to see the great inside of me. Because in essence, this is what you see. You see me as my end, and yet you are fully aware of my present. And is a relief that you don’t hold my short comings against me.  But it is promised you’ll complete the work started  in me until the day that Jesus returns.

So my apologies turn into cries of adoration of how you didn’t leave me where I was. My apologies are declarations of my gratitude toward you. Thank you for being my savior, king and redeemer!  My apologies are now heartfelt worship.  You’re great and sovereign. There is on one like you; there is no one before or after you.  My sorrys have turned into thoughts of not just needing you, but wanting you. As the moon needs the sky and rivers need the water, I need you just like that.  I need you just like that.  

So I stand here resolved no longer saying I am sorry but I thank you. Thank you for allowing me to go through the transitions of life. Thank you for allowing yourself to be revealed to me in a greater way. All and all, thank you for loving me this way.  Without you my existence is non-existent, and your presence is what gives me presence. Thank you for allowing me to see my wrong; thank you for allowing me to walk into what is right. And what is right is you.  The scripture says that the name of the lord is a strong tower the righteous run in and they are safe, so I sprint to you. I am not longer ashamed to say that I weak because now I know that your strength is made perfect in my weakness. So please be my mighty God, Be my great protector. Be my awesome love. 

So I stand here resolved, not longer saying I am sorry but thank you. Thank you for allowing me to go through the transitions of life. Thank you for allowing yourself to be revealed to me in a greater way. All and all thank you for loving me this way.

The Greatest Love Story Never Told

Before I post this poem, writing, or whatever else you want to call it, I want to write and say to myself how extremely proud I am of me. No one will completely understand the courage it is taking me to place this material on the screen. It is one step closer to being more honest and open with my writing. I am hoping that I will continue to grow to the point where I can verbally share, but until that time comes,  I am proud of myself for taking this step. Comments are welcome if they are not mean and nasty... lol (No, I really mean it.)
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The Greatest Love Story Never Told

I am in love with you. This is my truth. When I see you my heart skips a beat. Cardio arrested. Trap me. Confine me. I am a willing prisoner. When I look at you that’s when I really find me. You are my saving grace and the refuge for my soul. In you I see my dreams, my visions for tomorrow.  The sight of you calms my fears and eases my doubts.

Our first meeting was electric. Overcome by your energy. I was revived. Men of your caliber seem to be non-existent. Just in those few moments in your presence I was hooked. As an addict searches for their next high, like an alcoholic will never lose his bottle, I grasp for you.  My reach goes beyond the distant stars. You are the space in which my world hangs. Floating, drifting, suspending. Prodigious excursions will never find a man quite like you.  As the Greek gods are thrown up into the sky to immortalize their being, you are forever ingrained in me because you are my first love you see. I wrap you in and hide you in my bosom. My heart became your secret chamber. My mind is your wonderland. I’ll become like Alice, lost, at the thought of loosing you.

I never had a guy give such sensation just from our conversation, or make my spine curl when he told me things he stood for. Your standard is amazing, unlike any man I have ever know.  You caused me to raise my flag. I surrender to you.  

Yes, I said it. I love you! I love you! I love you. But the saddest thing is that I am saying these words to myself. My heart is yelling these 3 words, but fear muzzles my mouth. Fear tells me 3 words, “Don’t ever tell.”  Fear says, “How do you know that he wants you?” He hasn’t even made a pass at you.  So, I contain these truths as my lips spill lies like we’re just friends, or we’re buddies. Or he’s my like my male bff. I am afraid. If I tell you, would you feel the same way? What happens if the way I feel about you is not returned, and honestly this is my main concern. What will I do then?

So to you, my love will always be a mystery. My lips will never part my secrets. And though my eyes dance and heart bursts when I see you. I will smother its flames. I will silence my cry because I vowed to you that I would always be your friend. A friend is what you needed and that is what I became. But my heart and soul will always think otherwise. And to me, you and me will always be the greatest love story never told. 

Dark Girl

I just watched a preview of a documentary called “Dark Girls.” It was sad, moving, uplifting, and crushing all at the same time. I, as you can see by my pictures, am a dark-skin black girl. My mother has lighter skin with medium brown eyes; my maternal grandfather was a lighter man. My brother and sister are medium skin. As a family, I felt like the odd man out. As a child the reality of being dark-skin and the circling question of why I didn’t have lighter skin were very overwhelming. In the clip they talk about the racism that dark girls deal with within our own race. Within your race group, one would think that one would feel support, freedom to be oneself, and acceptance. But it was from my own race that I received the most criticism. I wasn’t worthy. A compliment was as paired with “for a dark-skin girl.” Growing up I didn’t hear too often that I was beautiful or gorgeous. They would tell my sister, who has lighter skin, that she was beautiful. Because this sort of affirmation was pretty much non-existent, my mind was trained to believe that light was beautiful and dark is pretty but….

During my teen years my self esteem and self value were pretty low. I didn’t see myself as a pretty girl. My maternal grandfather would say things like “Mel has the body, but Helena (my sister) has the face.” I knew he meant well, but those words were still hurtful. They still made me feel ashamed that I was who I was, and there was nothing that I couldn’t do about it. It was more acceptable to be a black curvy woman, than it was to be a “black” woman. I did go to some extremes. I had bad acne when I was a teen. Once my skin cleared up I had many acne scars on my face. I purchased fade cream to take the blemishes away, but I would also put a little extra on in hopes that the cream would lighten my skin. I wanted to feel accepted. I wanted to feel beautiful. Needles to say, the cream didn’t take away my dark skin. It barely took away my blemishes. When I was in 8^th grade I joined Works of Deliverance Fellowship International Ministries. And I am grateful to God that I did. Every so often my pastor would walk up to me and say “Mel, you have beautiful skin, and I love your color.” I didn’t know how to receive the compliments. It was weird. Sometimes I would wonder if she was talking to me. I would look around the room to make sure that it was me that she was addressing. For 3 years she gently encouraged me. During that time I had to encourage myself, and tell myself that I am beautiful. I am gorgeous. I used to pick and choose what was pretty about me. My teeth were pretty; my eyes are pretty. I like my hair. But I couldn’t say or see that I, the entire me, was pretty.

Coming to accept who I am took a long time. This blog is sort of like a plea to parents, leaders, and people who have opportunities to speak into young people’s lives. Don’t teach them to compare themselves to others. Teach them that who they are is beyond good enough. It’s extraordinary.

You are out of pocket!

I was looking over Rapzilla’s Web site and I came across and interview with Malice. (I have no clue who he is) I stopped to listen because he is an author of a new book. His book title was interesting so I decided to listen to the interview. I found out that he use to be a part of the music group N.E.R.D or had some affiliation with them. The interview was getting good, so I decided to read some up his book. (Often times amazon.com provides preview pages of books) so I started to read and these lines stuck out me:

“Thanks for being exactly who you said you are, the Good Shepherd who lays down his life for his sheep, who leaves the ninety-nine retrieve the one. I know this because I was banging on the devil’s door begging to get in, You would not allow it. Glory be to God. “

Those two sentences really made me think how we operate sometime. Sometimes we fight so hard to be something that we are not. I mean we try really hard. We see this all the time. Dudes trying to be a boss and play the tough guy when it is truly in their nature to be kind. Or for the ladies, we try so hard to be super sexy when it is our nature to be soft, settle and modest. In his interview he was saying that he tried so hard to go against what was naturally him in order to better fit in.

All in all, be you! When you are trying to do things out side of your natural character, you are out of pocket!

Going to new places in life is not easy, but it is a must!

There are many things in my life that I am not comfortable with, and I am becoming ok with the thought that I am not always going to be comfy. Situations, circumstances, and whatever else may turn your life roundabout will always be. But one thing I am learning to do is to be content in the place that I am at. Though it may be a place of transition, I am satisfied in it because I know that it not my end.

I do a lot of reflective thinking (sometimes that can be a good thing and sometimes it is bad lol); and when I was in my thoughts, I got a great revelation about transitions and growth. We can all agree that growth can be bit painful. When babies are growing new teeth they are in a lot of discomfort. And for most parents, it is hard to see you baby in pain. But parents know that the pain is part of the process that the baby must go through in order to experience bigger, better, and tastier things….like steak lol. The first thing that I learned about transition is God knows the struggle. The biggest lie that we tell ourselves when we are going through is “no one understands.” This is so far from the truth. God understands and knows. The scripture lets us know that Jesus understand our pain. One because he is all-knowing, and two, he has dealt with the pain of transition himself. In the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus prayed with such anguish. He was at a point of transition in his life. In a few short moments he was about to take on the sins of the world. (Talk about transition—being blameless and without fault going to taking on all the past, present, and future sins of everyone in the world.) He was about to be separate from his Father for the first time. He even prays for another route of redemption; but Jesus quickly becomes content with the task set before him and simply says “not my will, but thou will be done.” Ultimately, Jesus also knew by being obedient the world would be saved and he would be with this Father again sitting on his right side. He saw the greater end. Which brings me to my second point, there is more to come.

I come to realize that a transition is just that a transition. There is another side always, but it is up to you to make it to that new place. I made the decision not to wallow and dwell on my discomfort. I had to look beyond myself and realize that there is better, greater for me. Once I got that understanding, I earnestly press for that new place. When this epiphany hit me, I envisioned a flower. If anyone has ever grown a flower, you know it needs soil, water, and sun to grow. The seed knows that it has a greater end, to become a flower. It does whatever it can to achieve this goal. When a flower needs a whole lot of sun, and is only receiving a little bit, the plant stretches, leans, and does whatever it has to do to get more sun. The plant innately does that because it knows that it has to grow into a flower. (I really think that is awesome.) So taking a life lesson from the flower, it is important to for us to stretch ourselves in our beliefs in order to grasp our end.

Do whatever you have to do to grow, to excel. Go through your transition with confidence and grace. Guess what!? You are growing..

I know we are into the New year, but here are a few pointers to make the year worthwihile!

Although we are a couple of weeks into the New Year (to be exact, we are a whole month in), The New Year symbolizes a fresh start, a change of course. It gives an opportunity to make good on all the bad we did last year. So what do we do; we start the year off by making a vow to ourselves and to others about things that we can improve on. We goal set. Ultimately, this is known as a New Year's resolution. The sad thing is the vows that we make to ourselves and to others are broken with the first couple of weeks. How do we achieve our goals? I have come up with four pointers that you should keep in mind when making this new change in your life.

Point One: Set Small Goals
I like to call this goal conditioning. Just as athletes have to train their bodies to run a marathon, we have to do the same thing if we are going to reach our goals. A lot of times we set these high goals and sadly we are unable to achieve them. The feeling of failure and disappointment can be very discouraging. To avid that feeling of immense failure. set smaller goals and achieve them. Her is an example (I guess that I will stick with the athlete theme.). My goal is to run a five-mile race, but I know that I haven't exercised in five years. So, I set a goal to walk for 30 minutes a day for a month. Once I have accomplished that goal. I get confidence and I feel really good about myself. I can then set a the goal of running for one mile for a month. I have the achievement of my prior goal to encourage me along the way because no one said that achieving goals were easy. As I achieve my smaller goals, my big goal of running a five-mile race does not seem that unattainable. You maybe thinking that this is going to take a long time, and you might be right. But what you are doing is building a foundation of confidence and victory. When you are confident you are more likely to succeed.

Pointer Two: Be real!
I think that pointer is self explanatory. Nothing is worse than lying to yourself. You know what you will do and what you will not do. Honesty is the best policy. Henry Ford said it best, "Whether you think you can or you think you can't, your right."

Pointer Three: Create a Support System
It is a little more encouraging to know that you have people encouraging you and wishing you well. Sometimes encouraging yourself is not an option, and you need a that cheerleader behind you to keep you in motion. When you have people that are telling you "Good Job" it re-enforces the sense of achievement. When you get a support team, you want to make sure that these people are going to be honest with you. If they have to correct you, and tell you to step it up , now that it is still encouragement. The hard reality is to help you stay focused on your goal.

It may also help if you get around the same people who are trying to accomplish the same goal. To hear what other people are saying about their journey might give you strength to achieve yours, and in the process you might help someone reach higher and strive harder.

Pointer Four: You Don't Have to Wait for the New Year Start Over
Making a lifestyle change is not designated for the New Year. The awesome thingis that we have the opportunity to change at any point of our lives. So if you have a desire to get up and something, GET UP and DO IT!

Being The Person That I Want To Be!

Don’t let fear dictate to the person that you want to be. This is the hardest lesson that I had to learn, and if I be honest, I am still leaning it. I am a firm believer that God has uniquely designed all of us and has assigned a special purpose to our lives. We search for a lot of things—that special man or woman that completes us, the perfect job that displays our extraordinary skills and talents, a cozy house with a picket fence—but out numbering all those things is meaning. We want meaning to be attached to our lives. We want to matter in some way. For most of us, we have an idea of what type of person we want to be. Sometimes that idea or vision is clear, and for others, the ideal person is there and we can kind of see ‘em, but they are not clearly defined.

There are qualities that I notice about myself. I am driven, passionate, and a hard worker. I am a big dreamer. And it just feels like this great woman filled with vigor, passion, and whatever explosive adjective you can put there is crying to get out. Although I know this significant person is deep down inside of me screaming to be let out for the world to see, I often stifle her with my fear.

Fear often robs us of the possibilities. When fear is an active part of our life, the things that we want to try we will never do. A few weeks before the New Year, I decided to not allow fear to control my life. Now, that doesn’t mean go buck wild and throw caution to the wind. It just simply means to be willing to take a risk. In that risk you may find the greatest joy of your life. Ultimately, we stop ourselves from becoming the person that we want to be, and that was the hardest fact that I had to come to grips with. So starting now (well for me it was a couple of weeks agoJ) we are not going to hold back. We are going to give ourselves fully to our dreams! You never know what may come out of it!

I am attaching a challenge to this one. If you commit to not allowing fear to dictate you, please comment on how your journey is going! I would to hear your triumph and success!

No Strings Attached

The Word says that darkness and light are the same to you. Although I know this as truth, I still find myself trying to hide from you.

To be truthful, I am a wretch undone. Not worthy of your grace, yet you beckon me to come and ask me to take on the image of your Son.

This is crazy son; that the one who has no fault, no sin, no wrong can want and desire someone like me.

He wants to set me free from the lies of the enemy. I say that I am worthless; he says that I have purpose. I say that I am unlovable; he says I love you the most.

My face etched in his hand and his thoughts toward me are countless like the sand. His is love incomprehensible, yet so attainable.

So I resolve to the fact that he wants and loves me. My only responsibility is to love him back. No strings attached.

(Ps. 139)

Wow Factors...hmmmm

I did it! I survived my first major surgery. I got two teeth pulled. For many, this may not seem like a big deal, but to those of you who know me well, know that I think that my teeth and my legs are my greatest assets. They are what I like most about my body. My legs and teeth are what I like to call my “wow factors.” Ladies, we all have “wow factors.” They may be our breast, abs, buttocks, or whatever you deem wow-worthy; and if anything were to happen to these parts or features, we would trip.

For a little over a year, I was having major pain in my mouth. The pain was so unbearable that I decided to go to the dentist to have them checked out. They told me that I had major bone loss in my mouth. I could have passed out. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I am not 75 guys, I am 25 years old (at the time of my appointment I was 24 years old); so the thought of loosing my bone at this age was absurd. The doctor continued to say that the only remedy was to pull my teeth out. And quite frankly, I wasn’t having that. I left the doctor’s office a year ago with my own game plan. I was going to up my calcium intake and cut back on sweets. My get-fixed-quick remedy didn’t work. The pain became worse for me. In the beginning, there was just pain in the lower part in my mouth, but in recent weeks the pain escalated and was giving me major headaches. On October 19, 2010, was the day of my redemption. I scheduled another dentist appointment. I got a x-ray; and sure enough, the bone loss in my mouth was worse. I settled within myself, I had to get my teeth pulled. But my new dentist office was not playing with me. They were gong to get them teeth out of me that very day if they had to. They made me schedule an appointment for the next day. lol

I would be lying if I told you that I wasn’t sad. I don’t like pain, for one, and secondly, it was a part of my wow factors. When I went into work that next day, I told a co-worker what happened. I said, “I am single. My smile and legs are all I have.” We all giggled, and I walked back to my office. As I sat down to do my work, I had a moment to ponder my response. Is my smile and my legs all I have? Do these two factors really make up a WHOLE me? And the answer to those two questions are no. They are a part of me, but they don’t make ME up as a whole.

It made me think about women and how we put so much emphasis on a couple of features. My total beauty is not based on one feature, or on two in my case. It is totally great to love parts of you. But our wow factors should be things more concrete like our person, the core you. Is your attitude great? Do you have a good heart? These are the things that matter. I have seen this over and over. You can be a pretty girl and have a horrible attitude. That combination will eventually cause you to loose cool points among men and women. The saying is true, physically beauty fades, and what is on the inside is only thing that is going to really matter. So ladies let’s find our real “wow factors.” Those factors are usually found deep within our core. Then, let's count our number 10 bodies, our smiles, or our luscious hair as a bonus.

Finding the Beauty in the Midst of Ugliness

Have you ever lost sight of who you are? Have you ever said to yourself that the person that I am is not who I want to be? This was me about three months ago. I came to a point in my life where I wasn’t happy or satisfied. I just really lost sight of what mattered in life, and I was feeling the effects of it. I didn’t have a real sense of purpose anymore. The things that I committed myself to were done merely out of obligation. I was just living. When you live your life like that it becomes draining. To live life without a full understanding of your purpose is disheartening. And there comes a point in your life when you get tired of living life that way. I became tired of being sad, tired of being unfulfilled. I hit rock bottom, which was the best thing that ever happened to me. I had a heart to heart with God. I simply said, “I need you to show up in my life and make some big changes. I am not content, and I want more.”

God heard me. I had an opportunity to take my youth group to summer camp. For a week, my kids and I would be disconnected from the world. No cell phones. No televisions. Just God and the bugs. That week was the start of my mind reformation. In that week God really challenged me to look at Him in a new light. He challenged me to look at myself in a new light. He constantly reminded me how great His love is for me, for us! He gently reminded me that I do have a purpose in this world, and reassured to me that I didn’t make the commitment to serve for nothing. So I decided to trust God with my money, my relationships, my time and my whole life.

I came home from camp, and I was lead to read the book of Acts. (This book is pretty cool.) I am amazed at the things written in this book, but there was one passage of scripture that really made me think about life. The story is found in Acts 7. Stephen, a disciple of God, was preaching a sermon. In his sermon he started to explain how life was good for the Jews, specifically during Joseph’s reign. But when Joseph died, I new ruler came and treated the Jews badly. The times were hard; the Jews were oppressed and abused by the Egyptian ruler. Then the scripture says, during that horrible time Moses was born, and he was exceedingly beautiful in his sight. That struck me. Even though there was hate, oppression, and abuse God was still able to see beauty in the midst of all that turmoil. He was able to look past all the junk and focus on something more meaningful. That is really awesome to me.

Our lives can be a living Hell. We can be oppressed by many things. But in the midst of our Hell, can we find beauty? What will you choose to look at or recognize? When we focus on what it happening around us it is easy to get lost in the shuffle. It is easy to become discouraged. My life has not been peaches and cream since summer camp. Life is life. I still go through crazy things. But I am making a conscious decision to notice God’s hand in the midst of my craziness. When “life” is happening I can rely on the beautiful fact that God is God. He is the controller of the whole entire universe, and He loves me. I have to fully trust the fact that God and I have a relationship, and he has my best interest at heart. And that is simply beautiful!

Melty is on the blog block lol

Hello All

Hey, what is going on world? I am so very excited. I am starting my very own blog and this is my very first post. I guess you can say that this is the introduction if you will. In this blog I hope to write about things have affected me in a tremendous way. The inspiration may come from a movie that I watched, a book that I read, or even life itself. So readers welcome to the world of Melty. I want to warn you that the topics might be a bit random, but I am sure that it will be fun reads.
So thank you in advance for checking out my page, and allowing me to share my heart. I pray and hope that the things your read in this page will help you make sense of this thing called life.
Be safe and happy readings
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